That shit you don't want.

There are hard things that we don't want to face; sometimes we can't see past them and can't see that everyone has these difficult moments. T was in a good mood until an accidental run-in with someone to be avoided and after that both of our moods plummeted. I sat in a chilly office with a sore throat and tried my best to think of nothing. It's all there - the pesky grievances that we'd rather ignore.
I didn't sleep last night. I was worried about this morning and a morning weeks from now. I tried to imagine every scenario, what reactions were needed, what I should avoid. But I can't control that, just like I couldn't control this morning. I chatted with a stranger on an elevator and it made me sad because I saw myself in him. Thirty-three years is a long time to suffer, no matter what I tell myself.
This isn't the life I imagined but there's not much I can do about that other than trying to move forward. I wonder how I can move forward without money and freedom, but I know people do it all the time, and I'm resourceful, right? Because things could be worse. Remember when you thought that no one would forgive you, that you were marked, a giant bright letter on your chest just like Hawthorne wrote about? As if everyone could see it, as if it were glaring.
Once I was told that someone I love and care about had a lump in her breast. She told me calmly - there was nothing really she could do - and I got off the phone quickly and laid on my bed. The ceiling fan was on and the bed was a crumpled mess. I shut out the sunlight and just laid there, my head about to explode, my heart sinking, and I thought, how the hell can she be calm? How can she smile and tell me a joke?
She was facing her hard thing, standing up to it without fear, just like the stranger in the elevator this morning. Thirty-three years. You've got to face it some time. Fuck - life's tricky, right?